It is interesting reconciling my outspoken nature with a day job in a corporate sales environment. Don’t get me wrong. I love sales, and I love the overlap that all the confidence and motivation that I develop in the workplace directly translates into my ability to deliver my own brand of emotional musical expression. It’s just… interesting. Different.
The past few years I have been hopping between Austria and western Canada and now I find myself residing in the city of my birth, Toronto, for the past 4 months and its weird being in one place. I think in someway my sense of security was tied to my mobility. Being in one place this long, especially in a place that I feel like I know, is outside my comfort zone. I cannot yet articulate why exactly that is yet; it’s just a feeling. Maybe I was running from something.
Or maybe it was the desire for “new”. New experiences, new environments. That total existential feeling of wow when you are taking in everything in while in an unfamiliar city… That “wow”. I miss that wow.
Maybe it’s a sign that something more needs to change. My whole mental approach for the past few months has been removal, and what I mean by that was cutting out behaviors that I felt weren’t serving me well. The biggest example would be my drinking habits. I have all this energy now that I’m off the booze. I have the healthiest mind/body I have ever had… I just don’t know what to do with it. I’ve done so much behavior removal but I haven’t been really focusing on new behaviors or activities to fill the void in time and my mind.
I’m singing and writing a fuckload. I’m journaling almost every day. But there is something missing. Maybe its loneliness, I don’t know. It is interesting how alienating big city life can be. It’s a stark contrast beween some of the places I have lived in the past few years. Guelph especially. There is a feeling of community there. Maybe I just have yet to find mine here.
I have mixed feelings about posting this. It is uncomfortable. Going on the last post I did, that is the indication that I need to post it. Vulnerability is uncomfortable… that’s why there is so little of it at large in our image focused superficial society. I feel like it’s my obligation to post something like this though. It comes back to Trent Reznor in my mind. When I was a teenager, when I was probably the most lost, the lyrics of his music cut through the isolation. As someone who would like to have a similar impact and connection with my listeners, I owe it to them (potentially you if you are a listener) to express different states of human experience, the highs lows and everything in between.
Here’s to you, human who’s reading this. Keep riding that wave of experiences.